Elsie was here...

So there she was, handed to me as a bundle of towels.  I just laid back in relief that it was all over. I suddenly realised I was holding a baby, not any old baby, my baby.  I had a rummage in all the towels and under a little hat was a screwed up little face. Cute but not looking overly pleased with life. Anyway, when I was having a proper look this cough came from this tiny precious thing and out of her nose and mouth spewed what can only be described as watered down snot! I grimaced as the midwives came over and said "oh that's fine, well done for not freaking out, mums that have babies who do that often have a panic."  When I asked it turned out that when Elsie was delivered she suddenly flew out at the last minute sending a Dr quite literally flying. So she didn't manage to squeeze out the mucus like most babies.  I was fine with that reason.  But after all this stuff came out of her she was making extremely loud raspy breathing.  Nobody seemed concerned so neither was I.
We were transferred from delivery suite to the ward.  I was so pleased, one step closer to home.  Elsie looking perfect in her baby grow fast asleep. Or not so much.  She was breathing so loud and it was effecting her sleep. Every time I was told to breast feed her I quite simply couldn't. She would latch on but as soon as she sucked she just cried.  In the end I had to surrender and express one ml into a syringe. She could cope with that for five minute.  Then the loud breathing would start, the coughing would begin and then she would become distressed. At 22:30 I sent my husband home. I can cope with this I thought. I have midwives to help me, plus all the other mothers on the ward are coping.  Anyway, feeding time again at midnight. One ml into a syringe again. Elsie took it but couldn't keep it down. At this point I needed help. I hadn't slept for days, I was in pain from labour and it was my baby that was screaming and waking the other babies up.  A midwife came in to help me and held Elsie upside down to help her clear the mucus that sounded awful.  She took Elsie to the feeding room. I felt I should follow although all I really wanted to do was curl up on my bed and let them take care of her.  I sat down with the midwife and I asked "is this normal?" She replied "yes, but we can call a paediatrician if you would like."  At that point I didn't know what to do, midwife is telling me this is normal however she's willing to call a paed.  I thought it can't do any harm, plus no other baby is making this noise in their cot!  I'd had enough, I needed sleep so at 2am I called my husband. "I can't do it, please come in."  At that point we were waiting for the paed and I wanted Darren to have a time machine and arrive then and there. I knew when he was there I could get some sleep and let him worry about Elsie for a bit.  I was too tired to feel guilty that I was thinking like that.
Darren arrived and let me sleep. Apparently whilst I was asleep the paediatrician called the ward and said give her water. That should clear it.  I woke at 08:30, all the other mums had their babies. I could have felt like a bad mum. But I didn't. I couldn't cope. My first night as a mother, I had failed and I really didn't care. I went to the feeding room and Darren was there with Elsie watching a film. He had been there most the night and not even thought to come and wake me up. I wandered over thinking this must be a good sign. No coughing, no spluttering, no noise .  But I was wrong she still sounded like she had been smoking 50 a day.
That day things didn't get much better. She wouldn't latch, wouldn't keep things down, wouldn't do what any of the other babies on the ward were managing to do quite easily.  I needed to go home, I needed to sit there on my own with Elsie and get her to feed.  I couldn't do it with ladies coming in and out of my cubicle asking if I wanted tea or lunch.  Please don't think I am complaining I just needed space and privacy! Lord knows I hadn't had much of the latter recently!
 At three Elsie had her paediatrician check to see if they were happy for her to go home.  A trainee and a qualified paed took a look and checked her and were happy for her to go home.  They noticed tongue tie but that was going to be dealt with. I was ecstatic.  I hadn't been home for five days. This was surely all I needed to get my child to latch and keep things down.  Be in our own, relaxed and happy environment. The midwives weren't happy about sending Elsie home for the pure fact she was being syringe fed. But I pleaded, feeling that I knew what was needed and it was just a case of a bit of time and perseverance.
We got home about 20:30 and the next few days and nights proved me wrong and that actually there was a lot more that was necessary....