We walked round together and I was right I wasn't ever going to be prepared for what I saw. Not because of the tubes, or the wires, but the bonnet. Elsie had a bonnet on that obviously had a purpose. It had plastic going from one side of her face to the other across her mouth. It was used to support the tube that was connected to her life support machine. However, the way it was so tight to her face just completely threw me and that was what I struggled with the most. Once I got over that, looking at Elsie's eyes was very strange. We were told that she would be asleep as they were going to be paralysing her after her anaesthetic so that her body didn't move at all during recovery. Well she was very awake. Glazed, but awake. I didn't like this one bit. She was able to look at me but couldn't move. It was all very normal and the nurses explained to me what exactly was going on with her body at that time. First off, she was pretty much a newborn who was waking up from an anaesthetic, however at that point they were also starting her on the pain killer morphine so she would have been having extremely strange sensations at that point too. Then to top it all off whilst she is experiencing all of this she was being paralysed and having a machine help her breathe (once she was completely paralysed it would take over)
I knew it was normal but it was upsetting seeing Elsie's eyes open and close as if she was fighting it, so I thought I had seen she was ok but we were clearly distracting her so we went to our room to let her do what her body needed her to do.
We both made a few phone calls. We had only really told close friends and relatives as it had all been so quick. But the information we had told people was very limited and we had lost track of who we had told what. Everyone sent their love and offered help in all sorts of ways which was lovely.
At about 20:00 Darren and I went back to see Elsie and all the machines and medication had worked their magic as she was 100% asleep. It was such a relief to not see her looking at me, which sounds awful. But I knew now that she had had what she needed. All the time she had been crying and needing me previous to this I couldn't do anything for her. Now I knew that the next time she would be looking at me would be when she is better and everyone and everything is a lot more relaxed. The night staff were on at this point and the lady said to us that over the next few days Elsie would have whoever is in charge on the shift looking after her and also told us what was the plan of action for her. It was Sunday and they planned to start waking her up Wednesday morning and then hopefully I would be able to hold her again by Friday. It was nice to hear that as that suddenly gave us something to look forward to and aim for. When we got to about 22:00 Darren and I decided to go to sleep as we had to sort lots of stuff out on the Monday.
It wasn't a day to be sitting at Elsie's bedside as she was totally asleep and unconscious and it made no difference to her whether we were there or not. So Darren and his dad moved all of our stuff and sorted our room in the Ronald McDonald house in the hospital. I on the other hand thought I would go back to the hospital where I had had Elsie and get myself checked. When I had had Elsie I was told that I needed to have my blood pressure checked every two days for two weeks. This obviously hadn't and wasn't going to happen so I took the opportunity to go there and get everything done as I may not have had another chance in a while. I got to the ward and said I wanted to be checked and they were lovely. They had all heard about Elsie through the grapevine and couldn't have done enough for me. They put me in my own room, whilst a midwife went off to find my notes and a BP machine. Next thing I know a lady came in asking me what I wanted for lunch.
"Oh no, sorry I'm only in quickly just to get my BP checked." I said to her thinking she thought I was in there because I was waiting to go into labour or something.
"No no the midwife has sent me in to offer you a lunch. You need someone to look after you so the least we can do is offer you a cup of tea and some lunch."
I was so touched and as much as the hospital food was something I really didn't need it was nice to have a sit on my own in a quiet room. Something I hadn't had for a while. The midwife then took my blood pressure and unsurprisingly it was high so she advised me to come back on the Wednesday just to be rechecked. She was very flexible about it but they just wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to get poorly aswell.
When I got back to Brighton hospital that evening we had been moved to our new room in the R McDonald house. It was perfect and just what we needed. That evening Darren popped home about six and I went to go and sit with Elsie. It's amazing when you are not at the hospital how much you want to be there, even if it is to sit with a baby who quite literally isn't doing anything. To say I picked my timing badly was an understatement. There was a Dr and the usual nurse that monitors Elsie there preparing for something. The nurse came over to me and said we are going to start a procedure to put a longline into Elsie's right arm so that she can get nutrients whilst she isn't having anything to her stomach. You are more than welcome to stay here for that. I did think about going as there probably wasn't any need for me to be there but I thought I would stay just to be a part of Elsie's recovery and be there if anything happened. They put a massive light on over Elsie and then covered her with a big green sheet making sure it was all sterile. All that was visible now was her little right arm. Then what happened next was not nice. He was pulling at her arm, squeezing and stretching it like child would to their Stretch Armstrong. Only Elsie wasn't his toy, she was my child and I was watching her all over again being pulled and poked and suffering. I looked under the green sheet which I really shouldn't have and her eyes were rolling so she was feeling something. I don't know how or what but she was aware of something. This was when I felt terrible. The Dr was struggling to find a vein and was pulling at Elsie so hard it appeared to me that he was hurting her. I could feel myself getting hotter and hotter as I thought, does she really need this longline for nutrients? Can they not just try again tomorrow? The nurse could see I was getting so upset and she said "are you ok?" This nurse was so lovely and I completely knew she had Elsie's best interest. I had to get up and leave because what I thought was going to be a little procedure looked not much less that torture for anyone let alone a baby. The nurse followed me out of the unit to check I was ok and I had quite a cry. I didn't want her there with me though I wanted her back with Elsie making sure she was ok. As I looked back over to where Elsie was she still had the Dr yanking at her and doing what he had to do. I just asked the nurse to come and get me when it was done as it was only meant to take ten minutes. I thought I would just go and wait at the lounge area where our room used to be, at this point a friend of mine called me from Dubai so I filled her in on the story and it was just what I needed at the time to take my mind off it all. One hour later the nurse still hasn't come to get me so I thought she must have forgotten. I confidently walked into special care and Elsie was still being worked on. I couldn't understand, what they said was going to take ten minutes was still happening around an hour and half later! I went upto the nurse who said they had done many attempts to get in the longline and that they were just finishing off and going to put this time down as unsuccessful. I was nothing but relieved! I don't know why because I know it had to happen but I think the fact that Darren had gone home and wasn't around made it even worse. When they had finished and cleaned up I sat with Elsie for a bit until Darren was back and then we both went back to our room so we could get up early and see how she was the following morning.
So Elsie's first day of recovery had been pretty none eventful apart from me having my check up, Us being moved into the McDonald house and Elsie being an unsuccessful stretch Armstrong toy for one of the Drs! As far as I was concerned it was four more sleeps until I got my cuddle!
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